I loved the silliness of us. I loved the lovingness of us. I loved being in our team. I do not always love flying solo in parentdom. I wish our team had had longer to do all the things I now do alone but with two kids. From bike riding to sofa slobbing, from breakfast to bedtime, there always seems to be those nanoseconds within the daily rollercoaster ride of happiness highs and parenting lows where I just feel super alone and that Colin-shaped hole looms over us. It’s not even a ‘poor me’ moment or nostalgia for our time back, in our past, its just me acknowledging that deep nag that sits within me that grieves in glimpses, in tiny moments in time, for what he’s missing now and in the years to come as well as feeling sad for what the three of us have also lost in our present and future. In those tiny moments I wish there could be a glimpse in that Mirror of Erised from Harry Potter but I fear I would get lost in it. And it would only make me sad again and I don’t have time.
Flying solo has its pluses. There is no one to tell you how to do it. You are your kids’ world. You are good cop and bad cop. You get all the hugs and kisses. But solo also has its negatives too. There is no one to tell you how to do it (and sometimes it would be nice to have a second opinion on those big and small decisions). You are your kids’ world (time out has to be negotiated on a Brexit scale, with all parties involved). You are good cop and bad cop (it’s tiring). The hugs and kisses, however, they always tip the balance back from red into black.
So it was parents’ evening at the school last night. A calendar date that can be a bit of a minefield for a lone parenter in my experience. So I bring my mum, of course, for moral support and because she really is the second parent in my girls’ worlds. Also, the pride/worry needs to be shared and so do the tears those may bring. As ever the girls are doing super well and it makes me super pleased. My heart is bursting with it. My mum’s is too. I can see it in her beaming smile. And I’m so chuffed my girls are giving her such joy. And then my mum says to Evie’s teacher she’s so proud of me for the amazing job I’m doing with these little girls. I’m floored. My chin’s a bit wibbly and the tears are threatening to spill out. And I realise she’s a lone parent too and she’s super proud of her wee girl…and and and. Well I’m tearing up as I write! So cheers mum and all the other single mums and dads too. Well done. It’s a tough job sometimes but yay us for those moments when it gives us back all that we put in. Yay for us.