In my dreams…

In the months after Colin’s death I could easily recount in minute detail by minute detail the few dreams I had of Col. The one where I was in our house, it was full of people, but I couldn’t find him. I desperately needed to speak to him. I hunted and hunted for my phone to see if I could track him on the phone. But no one had seen my phone. Eventually I found it. And it was blank. There was no key pad. I couldn’t dial his number to call him. I was devastated. I woke just missing his voice.

There was another dream where I was searching and searching for him and then I found him. He was in a stark white room. He was older, white-haired and balding, which would be so upsetting to him if he were here and it were true but to me it didn’t matter, he was still completely recognisable and it was him. I hugged with him (he was always such a good hugger when I was upset) and through my tears of relief I asked him:  “Where have you been? I couldn’t find you. I’ve missed you so much. ” His reply: “I’ve been here all along.  Just here.” I found myself soothed to know he had been hanging around I just hadn’t noticed. Rather strangely he went on to tell me there are only three important cards to worry about in life…”the Swan, the Death card and the…,” I woke up before the third but I can only surmise he’d taken up tarot.

Over the years there have been the worst of dreams. The ones where he’s left me but not in death. He’s just left me and wants nothing to do with me and the girls. Sometimes I will see him in the street. I run after him relieved to see him and I catch up with him, tell him I need him back, beg him to come home but he is disinterested. He can be horrid, cold and very much resolute in not ever coming back or he just acts like he doesn’t really know who I am and what I am talking about, simply continuing to walk on.

For a long while I had no Colin dreams at all, which was sometimes upsetting but sometimes a relief. Recently though something has switched again in my subconscious because in the last few months there are dreams every few nights where Col drops in quite nonchalantly. It has been very nearly five years since he died. My life has moved on but I keep Colin in our everyday and he is a part of our lives quite seamlessly, which must be hard for Cameron. It is unsurprising that this duality of my everyday of having an old life and a new life should come through in my unconscious world. In my most recent dreams I am flitting between two men and two worlds. Colin will reappear in a very normal way and I am so ecstatic but I also have this unease that I need to tell him about Cameron and tell Cameron about him. I don’t know what it says about me that I often keep up a very dual existence in these dreams. There is Colin back and being amazed by the girls and I am filling him in on so many details about Evie and Isla.  In last night’s dream he, I and the girls were reunited. I asked if he remembered certain sand-filled moments with Evie from our last holiday in Menorca. Even just having a chat with him about those times and having him reply: “Oh yes the wee sweaty headed beast. Do you remember her crazy hair?’. I came to with the conversation still in my head and feeling so sad that I will never be able to have those ‘do you remember’ chats in old age about the girls with their dad. But I played Pollyanna’s glad game. More and more Cameron and I are holding those conversations. Together now for three years we are building new memories and he’s the one that I will be able to share those retrospective conversations about all the good times with, I hope. In fact, in my dreams Cameron is consistently there. He doesn’t disappear. He never meets Colin. But he is always there. And it is the same in real life. When I wake, my Colin dreams can alter my mood about my present life, intensely. Recently I had a dream where I had found Colin again and simply missed him so much when I woke up I was unable to dust off, that renewed feeling of loss, for two whole weeks. Cameron hung in through it, in my dreams and in reality. And I am amazed and super grateful he continues to do so. Bless him. When I analyse it I actually cherish all the Col dreams. The good and the bad. I am not sure about whether the dead do really come and chat to you in your dreams but to me the very fact that Colin appears in my dreams means he is still very much part of our lives. I am not sure what will happen if the two men in my life ever meet in my subconscious but I know that in this world they would have got on so well. Funny that – they have so much in common.

One thought on “In my dreams…

  1. Wow yes yes yes , had the same dreams feels like i have betrayed my late husband but always seem to remember that he is gone in the end and as shocking to some newly widowed or otherwise I do truly love my husband whom I am married to now , I however carnt say second husband as I feel like I do my husband an injustice , but yes dreams and yes I love them both dearly and no not the same very very different but love them and each of them deserved to be loved as do we all xxx

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