Number Crunching…again

Col would have turned 43 today. He died at 38. Evie was 22 months old and Isla was nine weeks. I was 36. Colin and I met when he was 28 and I was 25 so we had just under 11 years together. I spent 10 birthdays with him. I bought him 10 presents and probably went for 10 birthday dinners. He has missed five birthdays. That’s five years that the girls have not been able to run in and jump on his sleepy bed head and shout happy birthday daddy on the 26th May. However you crunch those numbers he was too young to die. The girls were too little to lose their daddy. And I had too little time with one of life’s gems.
People probably think come on love…that’s nearly five years now. You’ll be getting over it. But you never get over it. I have learnt to live with our loss. I have learnt to ‘move on’ like so many bereaved people get told to do. Time has healed to some extent but the chasms of grief are too great to ever not feel the sadness waves when you see other children laughing with daddy, playing with daddy or simply just having a daddy. Nope that is not something you ever get over. If you are a dad or you’re married to a great one…just try and imagine for a few moments how deeply you and your children would feel your/his absence and you will see how col’s death at 38 and the fact he is not here to bemoan getting older (and maybe balder and fatter) at 43 just simply does not add up to something I will ever understand or get over.

3 Replies to “Number Crunching…again”

  1. Thirteen years for us 41 when he died , my son is now 24 and missed him everyday he captains the local cricket team both of their passions how I wish he could see how handsome loving and great he is , my daughter is 21 and getting married next year need I say anymore the heartache never ends 😦 missed and loved every single day xxxx

  2. It was very reassuring to read your blog this morning, they always appear when I am feeling particularly low. It is 4 years for me in a couple of weeks and I have woken up with one of those very deep chasms today. Nothing triggered it. You, Col and your girls were robbed of so much and I think that is what is so hard to deal with. Thank you once again.

  3. It’s so sad life’s just not fair. I’ve followed your story since loosing my partner Feb 15. You think your the only one being so young as you don’t often come across other people that this has happened to in day to day life. My partner died just over a year ago from SADS he was a completely wonderful man and my soulmate and he will never be replaced. Complete shock. Left me with two small children, an 18 month old and a 7 year old. I think about him everyday. No one can ever understand unless they have been through a similar situation. X

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