Healing Myself

I had a comment on my last post saying that they didn’t really understand my blog and why I wrote it. It has made me think. I started this blog for a reason. It was and continues to be my therapy. If it could help people close to me understand me then good. If it reached out to others suffering similar. Great.

In the early weeks after Colin died I was looking for any fix possible to make life more livable again. My grief and pain were so sore I could barely breathe for that awful black knot in my chest. I was breastfeeding Isla so the GP couldn’t numb me with drugs. I was given mild sleeping pills so I could find a few hours respite in every 24 hours just to keep me going until the next living nightmare of a day. I asked for a referral to a grief councillor. Anything, anything, anything that might help me. I got one. I did the therapy. I think went about six or seven times. I sat talking to a lovely woman at the aptly named Recovery Centre in London about why I missed Col and I wept and wept and wept. I am not sure if it was the normal course of grief counselling but it was good to step out of my world for an hour every week to cry with a stranger. At the time I felt I couldn’t completely let go with people I was close to and talking to someone who didn’t know me before Col died really helped me open up the wound and gouge it around, which strangely was what I wanted to do at the time. It was hard, painful, cathartic and probably quite healing, although it didn’t feel so much so at the time. My therapist was supportive and very understanding but I began to mistrust her if I am honest. I didn’t know if she had the right credentials to make me better. Had she been altered by death too? I gathered the courage up to ask had she been bereaved. When she said she had lost a close friend I felt let down. In my head her pain could in no way measure to mine. I had lost my everything.

It so happened that my big move away from London and my whole life as it had been with Colin coincided with the end of my therapy sessions. I thought I would seek more help when I got to Edinburgh but I never did. I wrote this blog instead.

Initially, therapist-less I would sit sleepless at night googling all sorts of ridiculous subjects, but the internet, in all its wisdom, had no answers on, “how to heal the big hole that happens when you lose the love of your life”. I did find other blogs and I read them greedily thinking thank God I am not the only lost soul feeling feebly around the web for a way forward. This is where I started to think about writing out my own grief. When I started WDWB I never thought it all through. I never thought I would have to justify it to anyone. Objectives there were not. I just wanted to write away my pain or just get it out of me so I could carry on for a little while without it, if that was possible. It has helped so much. Three years down the line I get so many lovely messages from people who say it has helped them and continues to do so.

I write less as the pain has lessened. That doesn’t mean I don’t wake up crying for what me and the girls have lost. I still do. Colin was in my dream two nights ago but  he suddenly disappeared in that subconscious world just like he has in reality. I knew he had died, again, and I woke with that old familiar black hole in my chest and I cried. I knew writing it out would make me feel better. It has. Thank you all.

15 Replies to “Healing Myself”

  1. Writing is very therapeutic, I find it helps a lot & I too started a blog when my husband died. Don’t give up, you write very well & I’m sure have helped a lot of us widows out there.

  2. Everybody’s journey is so different but the outcome is the same if we can help other through even one day with our words then all is not lost ,you do a great job please don’t stop 🙂

  3. Your blog has helped me understand my own continuing grief after my marriage of 35 years ended 7 years ago. People think I should be “over it” by now, and it’s impossible to try to explain why I’m not. Thank you for having the courage to write about your own feelings so honestly.

  4. I think what you write is how I feel. Yes three years ago I lost Peter he was my husband my best friend. We where married next week 37 years. We have three children all married now. Three grandchildren which Peter would of been a great grandad, he did meet the twins. My grandaughter is 13 weeks old he would of loved her. On Saturday I am going to Rhodes on my own where we both loved. Friends can’t be leaved I am going on my own. I know Peter will be with me. If I don’t do things like this I will grow old lonely and Peter would not want that. I travel on my own to Australia to see our son. Ian going to do this I know there will be tears but I have to try. All I can say don’t judge us widows it’s hard enough each day without your soul mate. Thank you for your blog you are a great lady,mom,wife . X

  5. I too lost my husband very suddenly three years ago. Your blog has helped me immensely and in the early days reassured me I wasn’t going mad. It is amazing how we all mirror each other in our loss. Acceptance is a very slow process but reading your blog followed by comments from other widows is a huge comfort. Please don’t stop we all need to stick together.

  6. I lost my soul mate 3 years ago. Reading your blog has helped me cope & keeps me from feeling alone. I was so glad you wrote again after your summer break & I can tell you are so much stronger now. Thank you Nicola for helping me on this awful journey.
    Catherine x

  7. What a brave soul you are and what AMAZING girls they are going to be. It’s lovely to have you back but it’s also nice to see “less” of you, I hope it’s healing a little bit…x

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