My Christmas Wish

If I could wish for one thing this Christmas it would be to be able to have one last conversation with Colin. Oh I could ask for more. A whole 24 hours with him would be amazing. Just a visit so he could see how well we’ve been doing since he has been gone. So he could hold me one last time. So he could laugh with his girls, tickle them, talk to them, see how they’ve grown and just breath them in, one more time, like when he used to sneak little kisses on their scalps as he fed them their milk at the late night feed. But I know he can’t visit us so one last conversation with him would do. For him just to appear to me in a dream and tell me that he’s proud of us, that he thinks the girls are astounding, that he is glad I’ve found my feet again, that he likes Cameron and wants him to know that I can be hard work but that I have my good points too. I want him to laugh with me about how Cameron is getting to know the silliness as well as the high maintenance side of me. I want to see his face not through the glimpses I see in our children but his face. If only I could see one more time his wicked grin and his twinkly eyes.
It will be three years in February since he died and I have only dreamt of him a handful of times. The first time I don’t think I was even asleep because it was only the first night or so after he died and I didn’t sleep back then in those first horrid living nightmare days and nights. But I must have dosed and somewhere between sleep and wake I saw him in our room at the end of our bed just standing watching me and tiny baby Isla. Then there was the dream where I needed to speak to him and our house was filled with everyone from our lives together but no one knew where I could find a phone to call him on. I frantically searched everywhere but to no avail. When I did find the phone it was useless. It had no keypad. No way to dial the number I needed. Almost a year later I spoke to him on a bench in a room stripped bare. He was older but still him. He’d not have liked this version of him as he had more wrinkles and his hair was white and thinner but I still loved him. I told him I missed him – where had he been. He hugged me and said, “Nic, I’ve been here all the time”. I woke up just he was imparting some knowledge to me. He was telling me that there are only three important cards in life – the Swan, the death card and the…….I woke up before he could finish. I’ve never been into tarot but a quick google search the next day did make me wonder about dreams and dead people and can they chat to you. Still not sure but I like to think Col threw me the Swan card as a wee message to say ‘everlasting love to you my sweet’. He must have googled it his end because he used to think of himself as fairly spiritually defunct so without some spiritual search engine he’d have had no clue that the Swan was such the symbol of forever love that it is.
Anyway since then the dreams have been scant. He has appeared on the periphery of dreams here and there. So if I could have my one wish for Christmas I wish for one last proper conversation, particularly at this time of year when I feel his loss so keenly, I wish, I wish, I wish for it every night when I go to bed. I wish for it every day that gets closer to the day our second child was born on Christmas Eve three years ago because every day of December brings with it bittersweet memories of prepping for her arrival and for a Christmas that was to be our first and last as a new wee family. So bring it on dream people/Santa/spiritual beings/Col. Grant me this one wish and I will be good, or try to be good, for the whole rest of the year. I promise.

7 thoughts on “My Christmas Wish

  1. What you said is exactly what I want. My third Christmas without Peter. Next year our daughter has her first child how proud he would be. Our two twin grandsons start school next year Peter was here when they where born he died just before there 2nd birthday what a great grandad he was. This year we are bringing Christmas back into our house Peter loved Christmas it seems the right time now. Happy Christmas.

  2. Thank you for your words. The honesty is healing. This will be our first Christmas without my husband. Matt passed away suddenly in the early morning hours this past Father’s day. We have just passed the six month marker. I have been doing what I can to make this Christmas as “normal” as possible for our 4.5 year old son. My Christmas wish is the same as yours. In those last moments, fear and shock take over and the words you’d wished you had said usually aren’t the ones you utter. Hoping you have a Happy Christmas all the same and a peaceful and fulfilling 2015.

  3. Like you this will be my third Christmas and we never got to say goodbye either. The shock doesn’t seem to go away. How I wish for one more touch or a sign to say he is ok. It is hard not being a part of a couple at this time of the year. Your blogs are always very comforting as they always put into words just how I am feeling too. All the best to you and your girls. X

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