Tell Me Why

Why is it that I can still have ‘bad’ days (and nights)? Why do I still feel overwhelmed by grief? Have I not shown bereavement my full mettle? What is that sets these times off? Is it worrying over Evie (aged four)? Why is it that she’s now crying in her sleep AGAIN? And then when she wakes she cries more and says “I’m just sad”? Why is it that she has started the whole OCD ‘I need to put my clothes outside for the right temperature’ thing? Why is it that I feel a huge wave of sad when Isla asks for photos of her and daddy because…well because there are only a handful because he died when she was only nine weeks old? Why oh why oh why?

Why does Evie have no memories for her Memory Jar at Richmond’s Hope? Why does she throw photos of daddy across the room instead of carefully choose some for her Memory Box? Why have I got about 25 empty photo frames up on my walls because I am too sad to go through all the pictures of times before that knock at the door? Why does Isla have to say goodnight to daddy through the window while looking into the sky? Why can’t she simply kiss him and snuggle him as she goes off to sleep? Why isn’t he here to call us silly names and annoy us with his teasing? Why oh why why why?

Not looking for answers…just venting



8 Replies to “Tell Me Why”

  1. Must be a day for it – 27 months down the line and today I have been in tears more often than not, for no apparent reason. Had enough now! Hugs for everyone who needs them xx

  2. I’m so sorry you are having to go through so much pain. My husband died 3 years ago, our boys were 7yrs and 12 yrs. It is so hard and takes a while and your children need so much from you when you don’t have much to give. My boys went to Dragonflies a children’s bereavement group which really helped them. Do you have anything near you to help Evie?

  3. Thank you for saying the things that I think and feel, it helps so much to know that I’m not going mad – I still get the juggernaut of grief that knocks me sideways; I sometimes think it was easier earlier on in this journey as you’d kind of expect it, now it seems to hit harder as life has started to carry on and I’m not anticipating it at every corner.

  4. I’ve been reading your blog over the last few months and I have to say it’s been like reading my own diary. I too lost my beloved husband in 2012 very unexpectedly and your last blog just sums it all up. And why is it that just because you get up, comb your hair and look reasonably presentable people think it’s all ok? It will never be ok but the memories and our beautiful children will keep us going.

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