Facebook – Friend & Foe

My journey of how the Book of Face can be the source of all good as well as the source of all evil after D day…it is my Facebook through the ages of widowness

Phase 1: The Social Media Shield
When Colin died my phone went into overdrive. Good friends with good sentiments. But I couldn’t cope with speaking to people. So I put so many at arms length by communicating how things were through Facebook. It was easier to post a few photos of the wonderful man he was and say I know we all miss him and thank you all for supporting me than it was to actually have conversations with people. Conversations with people made it real. I didn’t want his death to be real. Facebook in a sense is not real. Hence it was easier to communicate through the realm of social media than to speak.

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Tell Me Why

Why is it that I can still have ‘bad’ days (and nights)? Why do I still feel overwhelmed by grief? Have I not shown bereavement my full mettle? What is that sets these times off? Is it worrying over Evie (aged four)? Why is it that she’s now crying in her sleep AGAIN? And then when she wakes she cries more and says “I’m just sad”? Why is it that she has started the whole OCD ‘I need to put my clothes outside for the right temperature’ thing? Why is it that I feel a huge wave of sad when Isla asks for photos of her and daddy because…well because there are only a handful because he died when she was only nine weeks old? Why oh why oh why?

Why does Evie have no memories for her Memory Jar at Richmond’s Hope? Why does she throw photos of daddy across the room instead of carefully choose some for her Memory Box? Why have I got about 25 empty photo frames up on my walls because I am too sad to go through all the pictures of times before that knock at the door? Why does Isla have to say goodnight to daddy through the window while looking into the sky? Why can’t she simply kiss him and snuggle him as she goes off to sleep? Why isn’t he here to call us silly names and annoy us with his teasing? Why oh why why why?

Not looking for answers…just venting