Happy Birthday Dear Darling

Stumble, trip. Stumble, trip. Every time an anniversary hits I stumble and trip my way into it, no prep, and I find myself amazed to feel myself bereft once more. It has been cols birthday today. I had thought I was on top of it. So many many calendar dates down the line and I believed I was a pro at handling the grief monster. Ha. Last thought I had before sleep last night was this was cols third birthday since his death. Forever 38. Sad but ok. First thing this morning Evie and I had a discussion about what she’d have done for daddy if he’d been here for his birthday. She’d have let him play with her toys. Heartbreaking but still ok. Kids and I in a supermarket challenged by a self checkout… Uncontrollable weeping out of the blue. Odd just odd.
Cols birthday always fell on the bank holiday. In his school and uni years it was a pain. Everyone was studying for end of year exams. In true adulthood tho the bank holiday was quite a cool birthday date. If he’d been around today and we were still living our old life (oh and if the weather weren’t tipping it down) we would have most definitely headed to our favourite beer garden with the girls. Family time with him proudly playing with each of them and looking around to see if anyone else agreed with him in his thoughts…these were the two most beautiful girls in the world.
On the first of his birthdays without him a large group of us, me, his mum, my family and his uni friends, all climbed Ben A’an in his memory and scattered his ashes. On the second one many of the same group and others too ran the edinburgh half marathon on what would have been his 40th. Today. Well today has just been a day. And it’s been a struggle of one. I miss him. I feel sad. I’m ok. And I have happiness in my life but I simply feel sooooo sad that today marks another year he didn’t live on this earth with us. And I kind of feel sad that it’s only a handful of people that even remembered it’s his birthday. But then I can’t expect the same gravitas to be honoured year after year. The sands of time move on and col is forever 38 and perhaps he likes it that way. He never got old, bald or (particularly) fat. So darling cheers to your 41st birthday. Sorry I’ve been weeping again . The girls have had a good day and I promise to put my positive head back on tomorrow . Love you forever. Nicxx

10 Replies to “Happy Birthday Dear Darling”

  1. You are aloud to cry. People soon forget and because you look fine no one knows what’s inside. My son and daughter got married my son on 11may and my daughter on the 16 may. My sons wedding I was told not to cry smile I was not allowed to even cry happy tears. My daughters wedding was hard her dad should of given her away but cancer got in the way, her brothers gave Emma away and did father of the brides speach I was allowed to cry happy tears what to people expect when you love the person who has passed away just forget ?

    1. Karen, My daughter was married on May 10, 2014. I was lucky enough to walk her down the isle. I wasn’t asked to give a speech, wasn’t too involved with the wedding – not having enough $ to throw the size wedding the groom’s family wanted. I understand how you feel. Not only have we lost our husbands, but we are expected to carry on and stop feeling the loss. In addition, I have somehow become a non-entity most times. Without a husband, sometimes we just don’t seem to exist.

  2. My Dear Dear Nicola, Evie and Isla, Thinking about you, you have lovely memories, much love to celebrate and tears are not bad but of course sad and tough.

    Not too long till I see you all,

    Tons of love Auntie Sue

  3. Hey Nicola only 4months down the line of having someone so handsome and young snatched away from me…feel your pain.x

  4. Happy Birthday Col.
    Being in the same position myself,people bizarrely think they will remind you and that you might have forgotten and they will feel bad. Doesn’t excuse ,but it does explain.

  5. Lost my husband five weeks ago. And the toughest part for me is that life moves on. But I don’t know how to move on without him. I’ve been making some huge decisions that leave me totally and utterly depleated. But I have to for the sake of my 3 boys, Justin 17, Jared 9 and Jude 5. Who have been keeping me sane for the most part. One of my huge decisions is packing the boys up and leaving the country, that is what Julian and I where planning and had organised, had visas, booked tickets and he dies from a brain hemorage the week before we were supposed to leave and start our exciting new life. Not only so sad but very tragic for all of us. So the boys and I decided a change was intended we might as well go through with plan. But with intense and physical pain I’ve been trying to push down keep on surfacing. Especially since this was supposed to be our trip together. And with his 44th birthday in July I think it going to be another huge struggle for us.

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