I tell my tale to Elaine C Smith on Radio Scotland this week. You can listen online here http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0419c3p
I can put myself back in those first seconds, minutes, hours, days and weeks after I lost col whenever I let my mind go that way. It’s just not something that ever dulls. That pain. It’s unforgettable. That loss, that emptiness, that indescribable feeling that the one you loved, the one you shared your hopes and dreams with, the one you wanted to grow old with and look back on life with, has vanished without trace. I remember looking around me, through our house, the rooms he walked in, sat in, slept in, stood and munched celery at the fridge in, the stairs he left his trail of clothes on, the bathroom he forever forgot to rinse after shaving in, the shower he drew ‘I love you’ in the steam in, he was everywhere but nowhere. I could see him but only in memory. He who was so much my present and future was now only my past. Unless you’ve gone through it it is quite simply unimaginable. An old friend lost his wife to cancer the night before last and I keep putting myself in his shoes and imagining her presence but her lack of being through his eyes and I just wish he didn’t have to know how that feels. The sense that her life continues to echo on through their house, their family, all she did, all she achieved, all the people she touched…but why is she in the past tense? ‘Why?’. How can it Continue reading Echoes of a Life
I didn’t cry when I heard about Peaches Geldof. I felt numb. Then sick. Then I let my head try to think what each person who has lost her was feeling. That utter disbelief that someone so ‘there’ and ‘alive’ one minute has just been sucked out of your reality. And then I thought about how she lost her mum and how her children have lost her. How it was all so sick and out of the natural order of life. Then I just kept thinking about her poor husband and I thought more and more about that massive hole he will feel, the weight of the future, the disbelief that all he had is now in the past…and the big questions he’ll start asking himself like ‘how in the blazes do you manage to bring up your children and not let this huge life changing thing become their cross and alter their path just like it is altering you beyond recognition with every breath you take after ‘they’ve gone’…anyways, this post by Ben on his amazing blog lifeasawidower says it all so much better.