Remembering Him

It’s two years today that Col left us all behind. The last few days have been about remembering him. That said I don’t think there is a day that passes that all those that knew him do not in some small way or another remember the man or boy they once knew because that to me seems to be how losing someone works. Birthdays, anniversaries loom on the calendar and you get your way through them and tick them off and perhaps on those days you do conjure them up as they were more than you do on a run-of-the-mill day. Ultimately though you remember them and how you miss them everyday in all sorts of small ways. A place passed, a street once walked, a song heard, a photo found, an item in your wardrobe worn again, a phrase repeated on different lips…the triggers are everywhere and always. That to me is what happens to us when we are gone. Who we once were is nothing if we do not leave people behind with a thought of us, a smile upon a face or even a tear shed. We live our lives and touch others and then we depart our mortal coil. The echoes we leave behind are all part of who we were and are most definitely our legacy. Col leaves a massive hole in many lives, not least mine and the girls, but his legacy is the smiles he gave us. And the way he lived his life is a lesson to me and the girls and many others to learn.
Everyday Evie or Isla will give me a white feather they believe is sent from Daddy. This may or may not be the case but it helps us through. Sceptics like Col would say, ‘Well you do have a number of down filled cushions and feather filled coats so of course you’ll find white feathers you can say are from me’, but Col that doesn’t explain the odd ones that turn up strange places. Also, the girls and I know that beautiful dawns, sunset skies and the seven rainbows we saw today belong to everyone but is there any harm in thinking that Col sent them just for us? Not really.
We can’t find him in the tangeable objects he left behind. We can hold the jumper, the photo or the tube of fungal cream and try to find him but he’s not there so perhaps it’s better to believe that the energies of those that once existed form a puff of air to carry a white feather into a dark corner of a handbag or that he has used all his ethereal might to create a cloud formation just for me, Evie or Isla. Who knows? But the fact is that when we go we continue to exist in the heads of all those we meant something to. That can never be enough but it’s a legacy all the same. Remembering you always Col(een) xxx

10 Replies to “Remembering Him”

  1. Beautiful words as always. Thank you. My thoughts are with you & your family. It is our 2 year anniversary since losing my Michael next Monday & I have followed you every step of the way. You bring much comfort with your amazing & powerful statements. Much love. Caroline, Fraser age 8 and Lewis age 6 xxx

  2. I carry a white feather I found at home that Peter sent me it’s in my purse by peters picture who knows if it was from Peter but it gives me confort x x I miss Peter so much 14 months on x x

  3. I too was very touched by your wonderful words. My beloved husband died on 3 June 2012. On 24 February 2004 he became a Catholic, as I am, in Westminster Cathedral, where we had been married. Yesterday was ten years since that very beautiful ceremony and I was so upset all day, remembering that day and the lovely dinner that we had that evening. Today, a Tuesday, as was that day, 520 weeks later, I also kept remembering the day and was even more upset. I knew that today was your Col’s anniversary, so I was thinking of him too and said a prayer for him.

    Like you, I feel a message from Michael very time that I see a white feather, although, as he would say, it has probably come from my duvet or a pillow or cushion. A few weeks ago I found a sparkly red star in my handbag and had no idea how it could have got there, except from Michael. We don’t have children, so it was not from a child’s party, but was a mystery.

    You are lucky to have your girls but I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been to keep going for them in the early days.

    As you said above, we will all eventually be a memory in the minds of those who loved us. As long as I live, Michael will be here but, when I die, we will both be gone for ever, except on a tombstone.


  4. What lovely words as ever. Our first year was yesterday too and I think we had a good balance of tears and memories. Steve loved orchids and I have several on my kitchen windowsill in various states of dehydration! One of his favorite ones came into flower at the beginning of the week……
    Zoe x

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