Happy New Year…

I wept like a baby on and off for the whole first day of 2014. Howling once more. It was all down to a misunderstanding and my paper-thin widow-skin. An assumption on a good friend’s part that because much of the time I sound happy and things are good with the new life I am building that perhaps means I don’t crumble anymore, that I’ve moved on so much that I don’t perhaps miss so much what I once had with Col, the life we shared and the friends we enjoyed. So when some of the closest friends Col and I had together gathered on New Year’s Eve it was assumed that I would be busy, happy with Cameron. So no invite came and I was blissfully unaware. And I was happy with Cameron. Of course I was. It was lovely to bring in the new year with someone who has turned my life around so much in such a short space of time. We were quite happy until through the medium of social networking, tricksy old Facebook (saddos to even be on it I know), I noted that those friends were toasting in 2014 together, those that had brought in the last one with me, my first without Col, and no one had thought to give me the chance to say no to a thoughtful invite or indeed phone me on the night to say they were thinking of friends no longer here etc etc. So not long after midnight I fell apart because of an assumption that I am fixed. It was assumed that because I have found happiness with someone new that means I no longer hurt quite so much. No one’s fault, no malice intended but it was like a kick in the stomach and some.
I couldn’t tell people how to deal with me in the early days after Col died. Just like I can’t tell them how I should be handled now that I am nearly two years down the line. All I know is that this is a lifelong pain that I continue to learn to live with everyday but will never recover from. It’s not like finding someone new to love has meant I have stopped loving Colin or the pain of his loss is rubbed out by the introduction of this new love. A widow friend who is marrying again later this year defended herself online against a Daily Mail moron with this analogy, and it’s a fairly good one, do you love your first child any less when you have a second? Of course not. And to take that further, imagine you lost that first child would you wipe out the pain of that loss when a second one comes along and so simply transfer the love you had for that dead child across to his/her sibling, of course not. Loss, love and love for the lost, it’s all rather complicated but suffice to say I have not stopped loving Col or finished grieving his loss because I am managing to find a new life to lead. I love Cameron because he accepts that and I hope those who occupied with me the other world I lived in, the ‘before Colin died’ world, will find out how to bridge the two just like I am doing every day that I am here.

5 Replies to “Happy New Year…”

  1. Thinking of u at this very hard time…I lost my handsome, happy husband a month after u….snatched by a brain haemorrhage…..the pain today is even worse as I am out of shock this year into reality…..I find great heart in reading ur posts and realise some if the grief I am experiencing is ‘normal’….so thank u and I hope u continue to move forward….and I know u will never forget ur wonderful ‘Col’….why wud u want to….u will want to tell the little ladies all about him…..hooe 2014 brings u health….some peace and that the pain in ur heart eases a little…..thinking of u….Liz Murphy…..Northern Ireland xx

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  2. This was my 2nd Xmas & new year without my husband Darren & no it wasn’t any easier than last year, my new year eve was spent with my 2 best friends who bless them realise I would only have stayed in under my duvet. I wish you & Cameron love & happiness in 2014.

  3. I was ‘widowed’ (I hate that word) aged 36 on 22nd January so this Christmas and new year was the first without my hubby jonathan! I couldn’t imagine being with someone else when I feel the way I do but that does not mean I never will!! I love my husband with every ounce of my heart but if I ever find someone else that will not stop! I feel guilty doing anything lately as I feel like ‘friends’ will judge me for having too much fun!! No one else has any right to say how we try to live our lives! A friend I met at the cemetery told me a story that before her husband died they had a conversation about how she would like him to find someone else if she died before him! She said that he had lots of medical problems so knowing that he had someone to make sure he was well and took his medication as she did would bring her comfort in the after life but she said now that he has died she thinks differently, she said she would want him to find someone so that he didn’t feel as lonely as she does!! That’s the thing, no one knows how ‘this’ feels until they experience it themselves! I hope that you and Cameron are happy together and you know that Col would want you to be happy so forget what other people think and live for the now!! Life passes by in the blink of an eye and we owe it to our husbands to live that life not just exist xxx

  4. Oh poor girl! This was my first Christmas and New Year without Mark. I was prepared for midnight mass – one of his favourite bits of Christmas – and cried my way through most of it. What I wasn’t prepared for was how little he was mentioned. I think everyone is afraid that I will dissolve (which I do quite a lot still – it is only just over 6 months since he died) so spare me by avoiding any references… I haven’t worked out which I prefer. The child analogy works well for me – thanks for articulating it – and I am wobbling about on that bridge.

  5. My husband died June 16 2013 early morning Father’s Day we have 2 young sons a 4 year old and a 2 year old. I just stumbled upon this blog and today has been a low day so reading along has helped realize they come and go.

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