Widows United

There is a widow site/online community that I am a member of. A place where those who have lost a partner can vent, moan, laugh, weep their way through with others who at least have some understanding of what it is like. In the build up to Christmas the posts are understandably about all the excess pain that comes with the season of joy and goodwill to all men for us widows/widowers. From the small things, the way you’re addressed in cards or on envelopes and who’s remembered to send anything in the post at all; to the difficulties in watching your children in nativity plays singing their hearts out, albeit badly, without their daddy or mummy beside you to share that big fat moment of pride, together; to the larger ongoing issues that come from the expectations of family and friends to be over it, at least for the festive season. To the outsider’s eye (the non-widowed that is) a lot of these posts could be read as self-indulgent moans but to all those reading this who have lost a partner you will get it. It’s hard at this time of year and it’s extremely hard to keep your perspective about you. I know I am lucky to have the girls to watch in plays. There are others who weren’t so fortunate to have that longed for child before their partner died. I am lucky to have wonderful friends and family who still remember us in many presents and carefully worded cards and who don’t mind when my ‘second Christmas as a widow’ bambi legs (it’s how I actually feel – a novice at Christmas once more) mean I have forgotten to buy a gift, not made it to the post office in time or not sent proper Christmas cards…so ie their kindness has not been reciprocated (YET). So I do try to remember that I am lucky when I feel the widow bah humbugs of Christmas wash over me. If I can’t I vent to my widow friend.

To vent somewhere is a life line. That widow community online that I referred to, I tend to read it to comfort myself that I am not the only one going ever so slightly mad. But for others it’s a place where they can say what they need to say when they feel the world is conspiring against them. A place where the normal world will not judge them for bitching about it, the normal world and all its smug normalness. I haven’t used it too often because once again I am lucky (I am getting so good at this Pollyanna Glad Game…) to have found through my blog a friend who is unfortunately on this same path but who I know would have been a BFF even if we didn’t have the big ‘W’ word in common. We vent to each other so that our friends and family don’t hate us I guess. And it’s been such a huge help. So I am dedicating this post to her. You’re my Christmas star Mrs C. I saw this word pic on facebook the other day and in my head I toasted it for us with a large glass of Wairau Cove. Perhaps I shall print us some off to hand out to peeps on our merry widow way????

Oh and if you’re out there and you need your very own kindred widow spirit you could have a wee look at the Way Foundation

6 Replies to “Widows United”

  1. I love that pic! Sums it up quite nicely. I too am on my second widow Christmas and I’m also dating. I’ve been finding the struggle of remembering my husband and our Christmas memories (his birthday is a week before, we got engaged three days before Christmas Day) and how we would keep it just for ourselves, for numerous reasons, they were very special but at the same time I’m wanting to be in the present, experiencing a very different but equally special Christmas in a new relationship.
    I feel that most friends etc think your completely over it and somehow I feel my resurfacing grief is a little self indulgent. I still can’t be arsed to write out Christmas cards (he did that) even though I buy them with the best intentions. No decorations up in my home it just doesn’t feel right yet.
    Here’s to wishing you and every widow/widower a very Merry Christmas and a fabulous New Year! However you choose to spend it. xxxxx

    1. Not sure about dress removal (have been stuck several times) but have arrived at a ‘do’ and asked a friend to do me up on arrival. Classy. Hope you’re all having a blast pre those hideous words start being uttered…’happy new year’…felt like punching people last time around so watch this space x

  2. Like you this my 2nd Xmas without Darren & I am dreading this as much as last year, friends asking what are you doing for Xmas this year & me replying I’m just having a quiet one. I miss him everyday but this time of year unbearable. I wish you both & your lovely girls a very merry Christmas.

  3. It’s my second Christmas too- last year was a nightmare and the closer it gets to ‘the day’ the worse I feel. I have accepted all invitations to parties but haven’t enjoyed a single one! Be glad when it’s all over. On a lighter note – how DO you cope when you are stuck in a dress and there’s no longer someone there to unzip you?

  4. Trish, yip…. Had a night recently of trying to put fake tan on my own back….. Not easy! I have pretty much loathed the whole festive period. Glad it is over-ish…. Now my birthday and Valentine’s to look forward to?! On a positive note, I love this post. Vent, vent, vent and print print print… And always enjoy wairau cove (when it’s on offer in tesco anyway). Cheers cheers to a wonderful friend who has been a therapy to me x

  5. Again reading your posts echo my thoughts so much. Thought I would share my new yr day ones with you.

    No longer this year,
    Or even the last,
    A lot of happy places
    Boxed away in the past

    Does that mean I can no longer smile, most certainly not,
    it has taken awhile, how to,
    I thought I’d forgot

    Definitely a gift sent from heaven above,
    Watching down making sure I have somebody to love,
    Live for the day, be happy in your dreams,
    Because Life can change suddenly when you least expect it, it seems.

    July 29th 2012 will always be imprinted on my mind,
    A truly awful experience, the very worst kind,
    But I will keep going & keep getting strong,
    Especially with Evie, Samuel & Thomas pulling me along.

    I will love you Lynt always n forever,
    I will always be grateful for our time together,
    Life does move on, all be it on a different path,
    I know you would be happy to once again see me laugh.

    So as the time without you gets longer,
    All it means is that the memories grow stronger,
    Do not worry the future is bright,
    So now and always, rest & sleep tight.


    Sent from my iPhone


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