Broken, but not beyond repair

I’ve just recorded a radio programme with the talented, amusing and extremely sympathetic Elaine C Smith for Radio Scotland. Entitled ‘Love After Love’ the producer came up with the idea for the series, which will be aired on Radio Scotland in January, after his sister was widowed suddenly at a similar age to me and left with two young children. His sister has been adament since the death of her husband that she could not and will not find love again. I admire her and all who choose the same path. Her family may wish her to be wrong but she has the right to deal with her grief in her own way. I could not envisage a life without love so found a way through to find more love for my life and my children’s lives. But that said I am not fixed. I never will be. But you do what you have to do to keep going in the face of adversity. For me that has been to move forward while still looking backwards so as to remember what I am and who had a major part of making me who I am today – Colin.
Elaine was very easy to talk to so God knows what the content of the actual programme will be as it was a sort of a self indulgent chat where I talked about me and Col as we were when we met, how we were when we moved on and became a family and what happened that D-day that he died. I laughed at the beginning fun bits then my chin wibbled as I fought back tears as my tale went on, and on..and on…no doubt, and I think Elaine cried when the inevitable outcome becomes the inevitable outcome of mine and Col’s little love story. However, it was lovely to end my story-so-far (which is actually my life not a story at all)…on a happier note and talk about how things have become with Cameron. My story no longer ends with the sad bit, which is such a blessing. But it is interesting as I move into this new chapter that I am beginning to sense friends and acquaintances thinking ‘Ah she’s over the worst, she’s over Colin and the sad weepy widowness of it all is finished.’ Nope, as I said I am not fixed I never will be. Live my life for a day or so and you will see there are forever little sadnesses that tinge the edges of new happiness. I simply don’t fold at the knees when these little things occur…so seeing Isla grow out of the clothes that Col last saw Evie in breaks me a little but doesn’t smash me as it once would, planning her second birthday when he never saw her beyond nine weeks makes me catch my breath but I continue to take the next one, seeing Col’s familiar work shirts lovingly made into two little memory quilts for his girls by mum brings tears to my eyes but the hollow weeping doesn’t follow…this time, for now. Yup I am definitely broken and have been put back together in an new, slightly different way to the way I once was but the fact that I have a few battle scars certainly does not mean I cannot love again.

Here is an interesting feature by Carole Brody Fleet from the Huffington Post on the subject of how love after loss does not mean you will ever, ever, ever, ever forget.

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