Good Grief?

I was told by a doctor in the days following Col’s death that I would  never get over the loss of him from my life. I didn’t understand that what that kind doctor meant was that my grief will always be with me but it would not always be as sore and raw as it was in those first hours and days. I wanted to fix myself and my life and sticky plaster it all back together so it could be what it once was. I didn’t want to hear that life would always have this pain of grief in it. The doctor was right and I was wrong. Life after loss is like waking up in an altered reality. Everything looks the same but you feel the whole world differently. People sound different. And you feel indifferent to much of what is said and happening around you because much of it is now trivial to you. For me the large shard of perspective that lodged itself in my head that fateful day that Col was ripped out of my life has made me focus on enjoying what I have and not spending life worrying over what I haven’t. It has also made me understand the pain of others’ grief.  Quite honestly before death darkened my door I didn’t get it. On hearing that a friend had lost a loved one I would have said “oh that’s sad, awful, terrible’ and I would ponder the unfairness of it briefly and then I would have moved on with my normal life. Not now and I wish I could give this new perspective to everyone. I want to give people a glimpse of how the world looks once you have lost love without them having to go through the pain of losing love. Perhaps then they would come close to understanding the pain of those of us wandering around this earth with those big gaping, unfixable holes in our lives and they may even forgive us for the little things, and big things, we haven’t managed to do or say rather hang on to trivial issues.  Instead of worrying that we are making decisions that we wouldn’t have made before, they might applaud us grievers when we use our pain and grief to propel us forward rather than stay static treading the deep waters of loss.
A fellow widow posted this feature Grief Intelligence: A Primer by Ashley Davis Bush from the Huffington Post on Facebook yesterday and it nails a lot of what I have tried to say in the first paragraph of this post. Fellow grievers read it and weep with the knowledge that finally someone has put ‘it’ into words and non grievers please read and try to understand us all a little bit better.

10 Replies to “Good Grief?”

  1. Loved reading about grief and the symptoms associated with it, I too am still grieveing and glad that I take some comfort in not feeling alone – it will be 12 months this month that my husband was taken away from me and my 2 daughters suddenly, nothing can ever replace that gaping hole that has been left in our hearts.

    1. Nope that hole will be there forever but it gets more bearable everyday. I wouldn’t want it to go away now. I want to remember him and that painful hole that aches at different levels everyday reminds me just how special he was to us. Good luck with the anniversary Debbie. XX

  2. I lost my husband 2 years ago to sudden adult death and still really struggle to accept it. My children were young and it’s hard to accept they’ll never have their daddy back. I’ve followed your blog for a while now and have related to so many things you have written. This article is really good and describes exactly how we all feel. Thank you for sharing it. X x

  3. Thanks a great article and blog. Just trying to mentally get through this in some kind of positive way. Although we are all sad deep down in side, we have to make the best of our lives and that is certainly what our loved ones we have lost would want for us.
    I am nearly 8 months in with 2 young girls. My husband also had a sudden heart attack.
    I find your blogg an inspiration and also loved your last one, wishing you every happiness x

  4. My name is Daniel Shelton; I am a social worker and grief counselor for a hospice in Las Vegas, NV. I have a Google Alert set on my computer for grief and grieving and recently your thoughts popped up. I am always looking for personal thoughts and experiences that might prove useful to those I serve and wanted to thank you for having the courage to share your difficult experiences. I wish you the best of luck in your personal healing and if there is anything I might be able to do to assist please don’t hesitate to ask.


    Daniel Shelton, LSW, MSW
    Family Home Hospice
    Bereavement Counselor/Coordinator
    8655 S Eastern
    Las Vegas, NV 89123

  5. I saw your article in the daily mail today which led me to look at your blog. Although I have only glanced at it I have found your comments deeply moving, emotional and totally understandable . I lost my wife 2 years ago this month suddenly and am still living in what seems a parallel universe. But your comments on how you see life now mirrors mine and to know there’s others who feel like me gives me comfort and hope. Thankyou

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