Talk to the Hand

My last post on playing the Glad Game within the process of grief and gaining the perspective on life that those not suffering a traumatic loss cannot hope to have drew many comments and personal emails and texts. It seemed to touch a few hearts. One comment really rang true for me:

“Hi there, I also lost my husband suddenly at age 34 he was 36 my boy and girl were 7 and 3 years old …
I just wanted to agree with your comment about realising what we have and we we should realise what is important, the down side to this gift and it is a gift, you won’t tolerate people moaning about the little bugles in life etc however I have been better at this with time xxx”

Thank you Eileen. Yup there is the rub. The downside of the widow’s new view of the world is that we really don’t have time for those who have no idea how bloody lucky they are. Oh well we’ll just have to keep on holding our tongues until people ‘get it’ and to be honest I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

8 Replies to “Talk to the Hand”

  1. I’m glad it’s not just me…. When I read news articles or hear people’s problems, I find my head raging “Well at least you didn’t come home to find your husband dead on the floor!!!”, and then I have to realise I’m being unreasonable, but it’s hard…..

  2. It’s ok because they don’t walk in our shoes and are lucky to be ignorant of what might happen – so they are oblivious to the life they have – I would add the frequent urge to scream out “don’t you people know that Wendy has died” was safely kept in my head, just not worth the risk of being sectioned.

  3. My very fit husband came home from rowing at the end of last August with what he thought was indigestion and died of a massive heart attack 5 minutes later. I still walk around in a daze of disbelief. I ‘had’ a friend who suggested we went for a coffee and without even asking how I was feeling spent 20 minutes telling me how depressed she was and how life was so unfair to her. (happily married good job etc) They were all such mundane things, but I suppose that’s every day life for other people. I burst into tears towards the end of her tirade and she said ‘other people are allowed to be depressed too’! I try desperately to put a smile on my face when out with friends and not moan about my lot, but as you all know that’s pretty difficult. But then again I’d give my right arm to moan about the mundane things again. I remember a few years after my father died and my mother was a bit depressed and I said let’s go out and do something – that’ll make you feel better! She said (and not in an unkind way) if this ever happens to you you’ll know how I’m feeling – I now know exactly how she felt and wish I could have been a bit more understanding.
    PS: I’ve inadvertently lost my friends phone number!

    1. Nicky,
      I have been a widow since November 2012 when my 49 year old husband fell 23 ft out of a tree while deer hunting. I know exactly how it feels to suddenly have your life turned upside down. I think people mean well but they just don’t understand. They can’t. Unless you’ve been there, you can’t really understand. People can say things that are hurtful without realizing it. If nothing else, I hope to be able to reach out to hurting widows. I found a group through Griefshare .org. It has saved me. Being with others who are or have walked in your shoes is so comforting and healing. There is an instant bond. No one should try to go through this grief process alone.

      1. Thank you for replying to my message above. I’m so sorry that it took so long but I lost the thread and was unable to find it, and there it was on my email this morning! I hope life is going ok for you. My life has changed drastically since I put that post up in 2013. Sold my house and still can’t find anything to buy so am living in rented until I do. I still can’t believe that all this has happened in such a short time! I use to think that I was dreaming and I would wake up and everything would be alright – not so unfortunately! I wish you well. Nicky

  4. I have to say that i am one of the lucky ones. My husband was sick for a while before he died at the age of 49. We had almost two years to come to terms with his imminent death. We knew firsthand that life is a gift and not a given. We spent as much time as humanly possible together. We had complete closure in all aspects of our life by the time he died. I am grateful everyday that we had this chance because I know so many others are denied it. I feel I am better able to cope with his death because of our time together at the end. I have found that no one who hasn’t lost a spouse can comprehend what I am going through. I had almost given up on finding other women who could understand what I am going through. The I found others through blogging that have really helped me out. Never give up hope because one day the pain will be less.

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