Inappropriate Weeping…AGAIN

In the early days, weeks and months after Colin died no stranger out there in the big, bad world was safe from my tears. I tended not to weep with friends and after the early days my family didn’t even see me cry all that often. But car park attendants, post office clerks, shop assistants, well they got some of the best or worst of my inappropriate weepages. But for months now I have been almost operating as a fully, formed human being again. I’ve been flying under the ‘widow’ radar in everyday society because I have not had one of those moments where the simple things in life (the supermarket shop, getting a child passport, applying for a new road tax disc) have broken me into little pieces like they used to. But today I wept again with a stranger in a strange place. Proper sobbing with big fat tears. Grrrrrr. The nurse at the A&E was terribly nice about it but I don’t think she had any clue why someone being told that no their puffy ankle wasn’t a stress fracture but damaged ligaments and that they shouldn’t exercise for four weeks on said ankle would end up in uncontrollable tears. Through the three NHS tissues she kindly supplied me with I managed to croak out in between sobs that I am meant to be running Edinburgh’s Half Marathon in memory of my dead husband on what would have been his 40 birthday, in two and a half weeks, and I have raised nearly £4,000 for the British Heart Foundation because his young heart gave up too soon. I had no idea how much this run has come to mean to me. I walked (with a slight hobble) out of there absolutely devasted. I sat in the hospital car park weeping in my carseat. It felt like everything that has kept me going since his D Day anniversary in February had just crashed down around me.
The good news is the A&E nurse was wrong. My physio has taped me up this afternoon and has said even if I have to limit my training to cycles and rowing I can run that day with a little physio magic. I hope so because despite all this training wrecking my ancient body I am so looking forward to running for Col on that day with our friends and my family beside me all the way. Please stay together ankles, knees and hips. Just please.
Sponsor me in the hope I might make it all the way….

5 thoughts on “Inappropriate Weeping…AGAIN

  1. hi Nicola, I follow all your blogs and am one of your many, many sponsors for the half marathon. I’m not sure your Just Giving page registered my name or message as it shut me down before I was ready ( technology fail) but just in case, just wanted you to know that I will be thinking of you and all The Lads on your run and wish you all the best – even if your ankle gives out, don’t worry, everyone will be behind you, whether you finish or not. I most certainly cannot even run round the block so am full of admiration – as I know Colin would be ( although I also know he would be chuckling big time while watching his mates puffing and panting on through :)). Good luck!! Claire McDermott xxx

  2. Nicola keep the faith- you are stronger than any a and e doctor who has no idea what you have overcome! Love, luck and ankle healin noughts from you friend Kelly xxxx

    Sent from my iPhone

  3. Two and a half weeks in plenty time to get that ankle rested, listen to the physio, you’ll be grand! My sister did the Edin half run last year and loved it – well, as much as any sane lady can love running that far. I can imagine you’ll be surrounded by so many friends and family and I have no doubt you’ll do yourself, your Colin and your girls very proud.

    😉 X

  4. I wish you well on the Marathon. I know your love for your husband and your faith will bring you through. My husband died over two years ago and I still find myself in tears sometimes for what seems like no reason. When you lose someone who means so much all bets are off and anything goes. I am not saddened that I still occasionally cry, to me it means I loved him very much.

  5. I admire your strength Nicola. You’ve proven time and time again how much of a survivor you are. You’re entitled to have meltdowns anytime. Be kind to yourself. I truly hope you heal quickly and achieve what you so desperately want to………………..run Nicola run! I wish you aurra best from across the Forth! X

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