I am getting used to this new reality. It’s beginning to feel less odd being just me and my girls, in Edinburgh. Structure is gradually making its way back into my chaotic world. But then every so often my stomach lurches and it all slips away. Where’s Colin? Why are we here? Argh. I have a ‘Sliding Doors’ moment and think does Colin exist in some parallel universe and I’m just another version of me and I got on the wrong train? There is actually another me, Evie and Isla somewhere else. He and we exist in our London house in this ‘other’ world and we are doing all the things that we always did. He goes to work, he kisses the girls goodbye, I get excited about him coming home, I get annoyed with him when he is home for being too loud and waking up the girls, we have evenings together watching TV and playing competitive sofa University Challenge, we have weekends, we spend time with friends, we argue about who is going to chase Evie up and around the soft play centre, we freeze our bums off in play parks while assessing what is a fair amount of time before we hit a cafe and we have a laugh and some disagreements as we plan for our future.
I want a Philip Pullman-style Subtle Knife so I can slice through to this ‘other’ dimension because although this new reality I am in is now OK and I’m getting used to it. I would much prefer to be back in that place, doing all those things and just being with my Col.