Sliding Doors Moments

I am getting used to this new reality. It’s beginning to feel less odd being just me and my girls, in Edinburgh. Structure is gradually making its way back into my chaotic world. But then every so often my stomach lurches and it all slips away. Where’s Colin? Why are we here? Argh. I have a ‘Sliding Doors’ moment and think does Colin exist in some parallel universe and I’m just another version of me and I got on the wrong train? There is actually another me, Evie and Isla somewhere else. He and we exist in our London house in this ‘other’ world and we are doing all the things that we always did. He goes to work, he kisses the girls goodbye, I get excited about him coming home, I get annoyed with him when he is home for being too loud and waking up the girls, we have evenings together watching TV and playing competitive sofa University Challenge, we have weekends, we spend time with friends, we argue about who is going to chase Evie up and around the soft play centre, we freeze our bums off in play parks while assessing what is a fair amount of time before we hit a cafe and we have a laugh and some disagreements as we plan for our future.

I want a Philip Pullman-style Subtle Knife so I can slice through to this ‘other’ dimension because although this new reality I am in is now OK and I’m getting used to it. I would much prefer to be back in that place, doing all those things and just being with my Col.

5 Replies to “Sliding Doors Moments”

  1. Hi, I know exactly what you mean. This world just does not seem real and desperately want the old life back. Future plans all gone now and dont know where I am going, other then plodding through every day. It will be our anniversary on the 25th, and 1 year since he departed on 20th May and am dreading both. But have survived His and My Birthday and Christmas so hopefully strength will stay with me for these last two firsts. HUGS HUGS HUGS xxxx

    1. I know just how you feel! It’s like being in a bubble and I’m waiting for someone to burst it and give me my life back. Although my mind knows that I’ll never get it back, that he’s gone and I can’t turn back the clock my heart doesn’t believe it. The days tick by pointlessly and with each day he seems further and further away. I was looking at photos yesterday and suddenly realised that we’ll never have our photo taken together again – oddly I hadn’t thought of that before. And he’ll never be able to read the latest book in the Jeffrey Archer trilogy. Silly things seem important maybe because I can’t face the important things.

    2. Such a good word plod.thats how I get through each day!!!,

      Think of you as I go plodding up that High Street today .

      Love Sylvia x

  2. Oh so on the same wavelength as you ….just into my second year having lost Robin on Valentines Day a week or so before you lost Colin . Heart attack also but I had him a lot longer …..keep up the good work ….Sylvia Brooks x

  3. I share every one of your sentiments having lost my husband 7 years ago on 23r December. He had just played 18 holes of golf with 3 friends and I joined him along with the other wife’s for a celebratory lunch at the Clunb House. I left and he never arrived home. The police arrived 3 hours later and told my daughter that her Daddy was dead while I was still driving around searching. He had a heart attack in his parked car on diverting to buy me anothet Christmas gift.I too remained strong to protect my children but as the time passes I hate the feeling that he is moving further and further away like a ship on the ocean. May you continue to be strong in the love and support from your wonderful family and friends. Jenny Hunt x

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