Old Socks

I finally bought new socks this week. Since Col died I have been wearing his. I haven’t bought socks for myself in about five years. I have been wearing his in all that time. And that’s grim because this was a man with fungal infections. I was only shamed into buying socks now because the holes in the heels and the toes have been too apparent in soft play centres where socks are an essential piece of kit. I feel close to Col by wearing his socks. Odd?  Yes I know. I also wear his jumpers to bed still when I feel the need and I have only just thrown out his toothbrush. It took me ages to get rid of his razors and the old blades with his bristles on. Throwing stuff that is so personal, with the last mark of the person you loved on them, is the hardest bit. Well one of the hardest bits. I can decide whether to get rid of his pants, his shirts, his suits but something like a razor with his actual remnants on? Hmmm. Hard. Socks with the worn bits where his feet made the holes? Difficult. His toothbrush which once brushed his gappy teeth within the mouth that told me it loved me? Almost impossible.

7 Replies to “Old Socks”

  1. I wonder if it is too late for you to do this. After my husband died I cut up his lovely shirts and sewed them into a huge patchwork quilt. A friend advised me to use all the sleeves so that he would still be hugging me. It is on my bed at all times and perfect for those nighttime hours of tears.

    1. Not too late at all. My mum is currently making Col’s shirts into quilts for each of my girls. So he can kind of hug them forever and they can keep a bit of who he was. I ended up not throwing many shirts at all so that they could both have this for their future. I should hoever throw the socks!! xxx

  2. I still have my husband’s t-shirts and some of them still smell like him, along with a sleep mask he wore. Not sure if the smell is torturing myself or comforting myself…I still have an old toothbrush case he used when we traveled, his deodorant, his glasses, a toffee crisp (his favourite choc) and i am wearing his wedding ring with a ring guard. I like the idea of a quilt…maybe I will do that too. It is strange the stuff that is hard to part with. …

  3. My husband died suddenly two and a half years ago and I use a pair of his big, hairy socks as Christmas stockings!

  4. It’s been 8 months since my husband passed suddenly in an auto accident leaving me with our then 14mo daughter. I too have struggled with parting with things like his toothbrush. I can’t bare to wear his things, I find it much too painful. I have separated cloths so one day I can make a quilt. This suffering we must endure is one I don’t wish upon anyone. Thank you for being so candid in your blog, it’s refreshing & strengthening!

  5. It’s been 5 months since my Colin died. I just moved his toothbrush to a drawer today. Everything else is more or less still in its place – albeit hidden in drawers and hanging in wardrobes. I too snuggle up to a jumper every night but worry now as its losing ‘his smell’. I have read all your blogs and was pleased that I smiled through many of them. Was quite amazed that our husbands shared the same forename and surname. My Colin was 44 and also had a May birthday (28th) – something I have to dela with yet as well as Father’s Day. Our son is 17 and still doesn’t understand. He is wearing some of his dads t shirts now. I think it helps him feel close to his dad. Although he is tall (6ft 2) he doesn’t quite have what it takes to fill them out as his dad did. Years of wine and the love of crisps helped!
    Take care and keep blogging please. X

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