Destination Unknown

Getting to the anniversary of Colin’s death was like travelling toward the little flag on my Sat Nav that marks the end of a journey except this flag waved D for D Day, day of death as well as destination. The  25th of February was something to travel towards but when I reached that place on Monday I wasn’t quite sure where next. I certainly don’t want to go back to origin like my Sat Nav usually asks when I get to where I want to go as that would take me right back to the first day of this journey of grief. And that would be quite rubbish. However, I don’t know what we are aiming for now that I am over my year of firsts, all those anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas that have now all been done once without Col. Now he feels even further away because every day that gets lived now now adds up to a year and another day without him. Hmmm. I can no longer say it’s less than a year since he died and I don’t quite know how that makes me feel. Yes it means we have managed and got through the 12 month mark but what destination should I be typing in the Sat Nav now? I have no idea.
I do know that there is absolutely no way I would have got to that one year mark without the amazing people I spent Sunday and Monday with. The mix of kids and adults there all had one thing in common – missing Colin. We all had our moments of sadness and the Colin shaped hole did loom over all the fun and conversations but all the gatherings proved to me that the girls and I have a solid support network of friends and that each of them will be part of our journey, wherever it takes us.Image

9 Replies to “Destination Unknown”

  1. Well done for getting there. It looks like you have a good crowd of friends to help you through. Hold on to them, staying with you makes them true friends. My one year will be May 20th, the problem here is all our friends have gone, they have not been around for me. I will be facing this day alone and must admit am dreading it. I keep being told that once the year is up, things start to get easier. The trouble with peoples advice is unless you have been through it or going through it, they do not fully understand what it feels like. You do feel so issolated and alone. But from me to you WELL DONE and many HUGS xxxxx

  2. I remember how i felt after the year of 1sts …………still shell shocked but in some ways ok to have survived the 1 st year without John ………now approaching the 10 th anniversairy of D day & wondering where the years went ! Sometimes all the pain & grief is as raw other times feels like a lifetime away ……….strange !
    The worst thing is still that all our plans & future were wiped out now it is up to me to live that life for both of us

    1. It’s good to hear from someone so much further down the line. It feels better to have ticked the year off but weird to know it has taken us further from the moments we had Col with us. It feels weird to have had a future mapped out and now to not really know what next. Stumbling along really.

  3. I lit a candle and prayed for you and the girls on the 25th…

    Thank you for your blog and courageously sharing your journey, I can barely talk to anyone yet.

    I was hoping to send you an eloquent message of hope but all I can come up with is a heartfelt “Thank you…”

    1. Thank you so, so much for thinking of us. I actually feel better for being on the other side of that first year so I hope that you can find your way there too. It’s the hardest thing to go through this so don’t get to far ahead of yourself. Annoyingly the people that tell you ‘one step at a time’ are right!

  4. I may have commented before that I have been on that journey. My husband did not die physically he left for another women.
    I have done the year twice first was the year after he left , kids getting birthday cards with just my name in etc
    The second one was as a divorcee.
    I know physically my ex is still alive but to me he is dead.
    I have fallen down the hole to depression and pulled back. up again the next day and reset sat nav.
    Trouble is I put future in and it does not recognise it. I guess you and I have to make our own future. And set the sat nav once each destination is made.
    Ok I am off to do my blog big hug

  5. Reading your blog sounds so familiar, I got through my first year of loosing my Tim on the 29th Dec. The day looms over you for months getting closer and closer and then you reach D day and its such an odd feeling. I dont know if I expected something to happen, to feel better, to feel worse… In the end it was just another day with no answers, no reasoning, another day without my beloved. It’s not an end, it’s not a new chapter it’s just another day gone by. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it really is a comfort to know that we are not alone in this journey.

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