I have told my sad tale so many times over the last year, particularly over the last week, that I became disconnected from it. Telling it was easy because it felt like it was a story. I am nearly 49 hours and 14 minutes from the second that Colin was pronounced dead a year ago and I have realised once again that this is not some film script or novel plot, this is my life. As I approach that minute when my world turned a familiar feeling has come back to haunt me. Nausea. I felt sick for months after Col died. I think I managed to eat one square of chocolate and a pot of yoghurt a day for the first two weeks after. Today that feeling of completely and utter horror that I am never going to see my love again and it’s a nearly a year since we spoke, shared the same air and physically touched each other has returned and I’ve been weeping.

A journalist noted this week that I was stoic and tearless. I am not. I had just forgotten how to feel and I’ve just remembered and now I want to forget to again because I simply feel like I did on February 25th last year. Sick and horrified and absolutely bereft. Oh Col……I love you.

27 Replies to “Reconnected”

  1. You poor darling girl. I do know how you feel but I am six months ahead of you so I have survived all of the firsts. There is no point pretending it will be ok on Monday because it won’t. Your heart has been broken but I promise you it will get easier. And then it gets bad again and then it gets a bit better. You are such an amazing young woman with 2 adorable children. I have been reading your blogs all week and was worried that you were maybe trying to be too brave and strong. I wish I could give you a big hug right now but I hope there is someone close by who can do that for you. All my love and my thoughts will be with you on Monday. My husband died on the 25th too so it is always a bad day. Lots and lots of love to you and your family. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  2. Nicola, all Colin’s many friends and colleagues will be thinking of you and the girls on Monday. I hope you can derive some strength and comfort from knowing he was much loved and is in our thoughts? PJM

    1. Amanda, I am so sorry. It is such early days and all I can say is these weeks you’re going through now are the worst. If you can get through them you will get through anything life throws at you I guess. The disbelief is the strangest feeling. You know it’s true but every molecule in you is hoping that it’s a cruel joke and they will walk back through the door. I kept wishing life were like Dallas and Colin would reappear in the shower like Bobby Ewing did. Strange reference and you may not even get it but it’s how I felt. Still do to be honest but where I am now is nowhere near as painful as it was in the early weeks. The pain was like a hole in my chest and I spent many hours just howling in disbelief while friends and family hugged me or drugged me. I wish you weren’t in such pain but please be encouraged – it does get better. You don’t want it to in some ways because you just wish your old life back but no one can give you that so you have to get through every 24 hours at a time. And soon the pain will be less. Not gone but less. Love, Nx

  3. Hi, my husband died in May last year. I survived my birthday in December and Christmas which I was dreading. I survived his birthday in January. I have our wedding anniversay in March which I am dreading then followed by the I year anniversay in May also dreading. I have actually asked the vicar to come to my house and do a small memorial service for me on that day. I have booked the day of work and intend to visit the crematorium followed by the vicar’s visit. It will be a tough day to cope with, but am hoping it will close a year of heartache and pain. For some unknown reason I have been crying all week, I have been told its ok to cry, but feel life will never get any better. My soul mate, my best friend and my husband all rolled into one has gone, and it hurts so much and nobody seems to understand. I hope with all my heart that your 1 year day will pass smoothly and that you have some one close to be with you. I send you many HUGS, this is what is missed so much HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS xxxxxxxx

    1. Diane, whew I don’t know what to say. The loneliness is something I don’t think anyone who has not lost a partner will ever get. The one year mark feels better the other side of it. That’s all I can say for now as I have found over the last 12 months I can’t trust my own emotions. I think things are better and then the rollercoaster of grief tips me back upside down again. I wish you the best over the next months and hope that you find a way forward. x

  4. I remember the days building up to the 1st anniversary of my wonderful husbands death in January this year I felt so lost & lonely & at times struggled to breath, I mourned our future & all the plans we made together. I spent the day with wonderful friends one who also lost her husband in a tragic way & we raised a glass to them both. I miss Darren every minute of the day. I hope you managed to spend your day with wonderful people who love you. Hugs to you & your beautiful girls x

  5. Hi, I write this to you through blurry eyes with tears rolling down my cheeks. I don’t really know what I wanted to say to you except that on Monday you will not be alone. On Monday 25th February it will be 2 years since my dad was killed and its still just as delves rating as if it happened 2 days ago. I feel like, on Monday, the whole world should stand still and mourn my wonderful dad who is know longer here. In a weird way, and I hope this makes some sense to you, I feel some comfort in knowing that on Monday you will be feeling how I feel.
    I just wanted you to know your not alone, when your crying I am crying too. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Charlie x

    1. Thank you so much for sharing my grief. Loss is horrid. It leaves a vacuum. A huge hole in lives. It’s hard on anniversaries not to reflect on how life would be if that person had not been sucked out of our world. But I hope the day was OK for you and not too hard. Nicx

  6. I’m nearly 5 months in, now reading your story I’ve a long road to down until I start to feel any better, what most people I hear say is it’s 3 yrs before the fog starts lifting, no fog for me i feel like im in a nightmare!!!that’s so frightening at this stage not feeling like I can get that far feeling like this!!!! But I know I will just makes me feel so anxious thinking about it.i will thinking of you Nicola xx

    1. I know that fog. I can’t remember much of the last 12 months and I don’t know how much I want to. It’s probably the brain’s way of keeping you functioning while you get a little further down the road from the trauma of loss. You can keep going. You will. The anxiety of ‘what next?’ eats away at me every day but I’ll find my way as will you. Good luck. x

  7. Whilst some of us have been through this, each of our experiences are unique and thus we can’t completely understand your pain. But dear friend, there are many many of us out here wanting to support your brave stand. None of us were actually stoic or tearless – we just had to put on a public face, but we also had to face the pain and tears back home. Anniversaries, birthdays, favorite songs…… but each time we eventually rose again from the anguish, a bit stronger. Already you are an inspiration to many. And what a victory that is in it’s self.

    1. Thank you so much. I don’t feel much like an inspiration as my blog is simply my way of getting through those hard times and good times and reflecting on them. But I am so encouraged that so many that have experienced loss are finding it and finding it useful or comforting. Nx

  8. Oh my love, you will always love him. You WILL get through tomorrow, just the same as you’ve managed Christmas.

    I am feeling for you so much today as I’ve now done ‘that day’ twice.

    I really hope you manage it, which sure you will. Just remember, that, you’ve come this far, tomorrow is the same as today, nothing is different, the same feelings will be with you. This is how I’ve tried to get through them both. The date is irrelevant, they’re still not here. Other than in your heart.

    Sending you so much love and strength to get through tomorrow, you have all of us, who know how you’re feeling, my first I was completely alone, not knowing how I should feel. We’re all here for you my lovely.

    Be strong.



    1. Thank you Sue. It was built up in my head so much that actually the day itself was relatively easy. Strange, odd and with moments of huge sadness but friends did help. I couldn’t have done it alone. Thank you for knowing and sharing. x

  9. No words or comments, nothing will make it better, easier or bearable but time (thats what everyone else keeps on telling me) Sometimes I feel in a ‘catch 22’ I don’t ever want to forget but the pain of remembering is agonising.
    Take care and a big squeezy hug coming your way xxx

  10. Hi Nic

    I feel as if I know you after reading all that you have written. You are in my thoughts today as I have to go through this same process later in the year and I cry just thinking about it. You are a very special person to have shared your thoughts and helped so many people in doing so. Love to you and your girls

    Sent from my iPad Regards Linda

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