Winging It

Evie asked me last night for some new wings. When I asked her why she said it was because she wanted to fly to Daddy In The Sky and her current wings (four pairs) weren’t good enough because they were pretendy wings.
The last week has been all about me in my head and I have forgotten two other major players in this drama called “Our Lives After Colin”. I’ve made a couple of major decisions and not really thought about the two girls. On D Day I want to be with the support network of friends in London that was so important to me in those first weeks after the trauma of Col’s sudden death. I didn’t really think about how it is for Evie. She now connects her memories of London life directly to Colin. It’s as if she thinks we just left him there and when I told her that we fly down on Sunday to stay with his friends for a special day she asked me if Daddy would be there. When I said not in person but in a sense we might feel close to him by all being together and remembering how funny he was she said, ‘but he’s very far away, isn’t he?’.
It’s so hard to know what to say. I feel I have been remiss with Evie this week as the blog stuff went mental. I was all over the place, taking calls, talking about Col in front of her to strangers, considering mad dashes to London and having reporters in our house ask questions about Daddy and his death and its aftermath with her on my knee. What an idiot? I don’t think my brain was fully engaged. My gut reaction was to ask them here when she wasn’t around but I didn’t stick with it. She’s coped so well considering but I am going to keep the girls out of it from now in. It’s simply not fair. The journalists were very nice and very lovely to her and myself but still…idiot, idiot, idiot.
I know myself that she’s continually working things out. She’s obsessed with daddies. Ask her if she wants a Peppa Pig yoghurt and it’s usually the one with dumb, old Daddy Pig on it. When we go to soft play places and there is a rare daddy there (I never go at weekends and whatever you say it is usually a female dominant domain from Monday to Friday) , she kind of hangs on the edge of the poor man playing with his kids until he has to involve her. Just as when couple friends come to visit she ends up being quite cuddly and loving to the male partner. And she is simply besotted by my brother-in-laws.
She will love this weekend because all those close friends of Col’s who promised to be in my children’s lives after he died are popping by during our visit. But there will be an element of why are all these people here for My Daddy, why is he not here when there are all these daddies here for the other kids. But that’s no different to her other days really. It will just feel sadder because when all of us do gather, these amazing friends, I simply keep remembering the man that brought us altogether in life and death and Evie and Isla will only have our memories to get to know him through. No amount of wing flapping, real or pretendy, will ever bring them close to him physically in this world of ours.

14 thoughts on “Winging It

  1. I feel like such a wise old widow compared to so many of you as I lost my husband 18 months ago. I would love to recommend a book that I wish I had read much earlier. ‘Death and how to survive it’ by Kate Boydell. It covered so many areas and I found it a huge help. All my love to all of you who are grieving. Xx

    1. I have the book. It was sent to me in the first few weeks by a friend who had done quite a bit of finding grief books a bit rubbish when her husband died. She said it was the only good book that ‘got it’. Thank you. X

  2. Hi, all our joint friends have deserted me. I just have one sister and one good friend, but can not keep relying on them. So I have had to start a complete new life on my own. I have joined my local church, this was very unexpected and they have been supportive to a point. But it is hard, I am so desperate for friendship and it does not happen quickly, people need to get to know you. Life becomes so lonely without friends…. HUGS HUGS xx

  3. Its been fourteen months for me and on inside not doing well at all ,do all the stuff you’re meant to but not a lot else and as my younger sister died just before my husband have no one to turn to as my husband was my best friend and life and I was his carer for so long lost touch .People don’t always want to associate with widows ,I think they think they’ll catch something or have to put up with tears , maybe they would

    1. People think they can catch widow, or indeed the sadness that comes with the condition. I was told by one person that perhaps friends wouldn’t invite me to couple events anyway because I might steal friends’ husbands!!!! That ridiculousness aside I hope that you can find some friends that help you. I joined the WAY foundation to bring me in contact with others going through similar experiences. There is also WAY UP. You need to find people to help you through. Lots of hugs. Nicxx

    2. Ann, I do not know where you are in this vast country of ours, but looks like we have a lot in common with being widows (hate the word) and trying to cope on our own. I am in Medway Towns, Kent and know exactly how you feel. HUGS xx Diane

  4. Hi,
    I just wanted to drop you a quick note to say thank you…….for your wonderful honest way with words & an insight into how you truely feel in the months/year following the death of a partner.
    I myself have not had this happen to me but I’m close friends with your friend in North Berwick. Although I will never fully understand all the hourly/daily/monthly etc emotions that she goes through I feel your blog has given me a better understanding of what she has also gone, and goes, through (& for that I send heartfelt thanks). I hope I can be a better friend now with a bit more understanding.
    And also I’m so glad she has found a friend she can honestly talk with who “gets her”. Of course it would be so much better if you didn’t have to meet under such tragic circumstances……
    You have two wonderful little girls who will know & love their daddy, through yours & others stories, memories, photographs! I know no where near the same as in person but he will live on in their lives through this.
    Please keep writing as long as you feel you can, your also helping so many others too.
    Warmest wishes, Lisa x

    1. Thank you Lisa,
      It’s been amazing to meet someone who understands too. She has changed my life in a few short weeks. I’m glad friends like you are on hand to help as that’s obviously got her through. Thank you for your lovely words re the girls. I hope that you’re right. Nicx

  5. Hi Nic,
    We’re home safely after a great four great days at Crieff Hydro – thanks for the heads up. Try not to worry too much about the girls, they’ll be fine as long as your fine so concentrate on doing what gets you through the day best. I really enjoyed seeing you guys and very proud of you for the great job your doing with yourself and the girls.

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