Happy Pills

This blog was always meant to be an honest account of how this journey through grief is going. Sometimes it’s hard to be honest as I know many of the people now reading these meanderings. But I must stick to my pledge so here comes a most honest post.
It’s official I am suffering moderate depression according to my GP today. I think she knew it and I knew it as the tears fell out of my eyes, silently, as I ticked the box answers on the NHS depression assessment form. It went something like this…
1.Do you find yourself thinking there’s no point to life – A few days a month, half of the month or everyday?
Answer: Er somewhere in between half the month and everyday?? (Not going well already).
2. Do you have little or no value of yourself – A few days a month, half of the month or everyday?
Answer: Hmmm probably just a few days…(doing bit better here).
3. Do you feel like throwing yourself out the window/in front of cars/bashing headlong into a wall – A few days a month, half of the month or everyday?
Answer: Never, just tiny moments of thinking it once a week and dismissing it as an option…much better.
4. Do you find it hard to settle – A few days a month, half of the month or everyday?
Answer: Er, every evening that I am on my own (which is pretty much every evening).
5. Have you little or no interest in food or are overeating – A few days a month, half of the month or everyday?
Answer: Meals? What are they? Great for my waistline but probably not a good longterm situation.
I have never been one for failing tests and exams so, depending on how you look at it, I totally aced this one.
The outcome, as I stated, is moderate depression. Oops. Well, what with Christmas, shingles (X2), chicken pox (X2), loneliness, three weeks until the anniversary of his death, I’d say moderate is quite an achievement. I challenge many to not have developed an extreme version of this mental health issue.
So what can I do about it? Well, I have ‘moderate’ anti-depressant drugs or happy pills as I like to call them to start from today. We’ll see if they work and magically make life a little less hopeless when the lows come. But on a more positive note, I am so, so, so bored of my sofa and watching the baby monitor for kicks of an evening that I have decided to book in a few personal training slots and plead with family members to come sit for me during the week while I run my ass off (or what’s left of it after the above admission to having no interest in food at all) on the treadmill at the gym. Firstly, it will fill those dull evenings that I currently can’t bear. Secondly, it will get those happier hormones coursing through my brain a little more often. Thirdly, it’s not before time, as I stupidly have enrolled myself and a large crowd of Col’s friends to run the Edinburgh half marathon for the British Heart Foundation, which takes place on what would have been his 40th birthday, May 26th.
We shall see. Moderate or not I am determined that this state of mind will be overcome and the additional benefit will be a body that Elle Macpherson would be jealous of. Now that’s something to cheer me.
Oh and if you’re reading this and want to donate….click!

8 Replies to “Happy Pills”

  1. Get that charity page up girl ! Pop those happy pills and keep blogging ! I can’t begin to tell you how amazing I think u are and I’m not the soppy type ! I want you to know that I’m sending you as much positive energy as I can ! Xxxx

  2. I just found you through the piece is the Daily Mail online. I think it is wonderful that you are writing about this. I have been writing a blog now since May 2012 to journal our progress in opening a historic bed and breakfast plantation in Virginia. I never knew that it would also be a source of comfort and help until November 2012 when my mother had a massive stroke. We ended up having to turn all the stuff off and watch her die for ten days. I couldn’t decide whether or not to write about it in my blog, but decide that it too was part of the progress we had to go through in opening our place. I can’t tell you how glad I am I did. She passed on November 20th, just two days before Thanksgiving. Then there was the funeral, then a week later on December 3rd her birthday, then Christmas. It was all very hard to go through so soon after. But I have to tell you that I had so much love and support from our readers that it was overwhelming. They listened, they told me it was going to be okay, they were there when I need a good word. So I am glad now I have found you so I can return the support! I can’t say that it doesn’t stop hurting. Its been three months now and I still think of her daily. But I have changed my route (which is what you are doing – Great!) and found that it helps not remind me so much. I have focused on our task at hand and have a goal in life. (which you are doing too with the marathon- Good Luck with that!) And still our readers tell me that its going to be okay. And they are right. It is going to be okay. I look forward to reading more of your blog and I plan to support your recovery too! You can do this!

  3. I have just read the article in the Daily Mail and can relate to everything you say. My Partner died 3 years ago in June. I was 8 months pregnant and he had taken our other 2 daughters camping to give me a break. That evening the police arrived at my door telling me that he had drowned whilst rescuing one of our daughters from the river. I couldn’t believe it, you say goodbye to someone and they don’t come back. It did make me laugh when you said about widow’s Tourette’s I wanted everyone to know maybe because life was still going on and I wanted them to know that my life would never be the same again. We carried on as normal as we could the girls going to school, I went back to work then our 3rd daughter was born, she took all of our attention. As she has grown and become more independent we have finally hit that brick wall and can’t carry on as normal. I was diagnosed with depression and went on the happy pills and my eldest daughter has been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. However, we are getting better. The girls are a constant reminder of him, our friends and family have never faded away they are always there when we need them. In fact the kids have about 14 dads who will scare off any potential suitors in the future!
    I hope that you begin to feel better soon and wish you all the best for the future.

  4. Hi Nicola,

    I read your article on the DM today and found your blog. I’ve spent some time reading it today. You really have a brilliant talent for writing. I am so very sorry about what happened to your family. Colin sounds like a wonderful man and through the legacy of the three girls he left behind he will never be forgotten.

    I came across your post about Colin’s memorial bench in Lincoln’s Inn Fields. I work in the Fields, so thought in my lunch break I would go and find it and sit on it to say a prayer for you all. I found it with the beautiful inscription and I hoped and wished that you would all find peace, that your memories of Colin would wrap you and your daughters up forever, and that I would remember every day to just drink in my “Colin”, just incase.

    With so much love from a stranger,


  5. My darling husband, Jeremy, died two years ago on 1st April 2013. Reading your article in the Daily Mail and here on your website brought back so many memories of that dark, terrible time. My daughter and I are learning to move forward but my God it’s been hard. Without the support of friends and family I’m not sure how I would have coped. Good luck Nicola to you and your darling girls – their Daddy would be so proud!

  6. Dear Nicola, I have just read your article in the Daily Mail just by chance today at my parent’s house, it made me cry because the exact same situation happened to me as a 30 year old with a 3.5 year old daugther one sunny afternoon in July 2003. The only difference being is that Shaun collapsed in our home upstairs. It was the most life changing day and still ask myself questions now but life had to move on especially when you have got children to look after. I am going to sit down this week during half term and read your blogs. I am happy to say that I remarried at Christmas and have got a 7 month old son called Harry who we all adore including my daughter Molly. Your strength will grow and grow every minute of every day but it does take time. Lots of love to you and your beautiful daughters.

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