11 Months In, Almost

So I had a big fat positive head on last time I spoke here. A shingles recurrence and the girls getting simultaneous pox burst that bubble for a good 24 hours. It is rubbish that I have to rely on my mum to help me through as Colin would have almost relished their sickness. When else does a two year old stay still long enough to cuddle? My mum enjoyed a whole day of Evie on the sofa just needing love. He’d have loved that. Since the minute she was born he asked me how long it would be until the two of them could spend an afternoon whiling the hours just watching TV, snuggling. His plan was more to watch tennis or cricket and he perhaps wouldn’t have relished the reality of back to back Peppa Pig episodes but I have no doubt he would have embraced it. Sometimes those things really get you. He won’t have those moments and neither will Evie or Isla but despite 2013 starting with a rubbish number of setbacks I am still thinking, Colin, we’ve done these months without you and we will do the rest too. We miss you but we get it. It’s not about what we can’t have we have to enjoy what we did and keep telling the girls how you would have loved those little moments. I’ve said to Evie how upset he would be to see those spots all over her and she said to me tonight she misses Daddy. But also today we went to Cramond where she could scooter without infecting her plague on other kids and as we rounded into the harbour there was a bright sunshine over the water. She proudly told me that Daddy did that for her. I am so proud that almost a year on a little girl that was only 22 months old when her Daddy died can come up with that little moment to help her.
We are coming up to the year anniversary of his death and I still feel Colin with us everyday. But I am also thinking forward. Many may not have agreed with some of the things I have done. I am sure there have been discussions about some of the choices I have made and there will be people who disagree with the things I do down the line. But until someone has gone through this and survived at least (nearly) 12 months then I don’t think they have the right. I am strong. My girls are too. We will flounder no doubt but never judge us. We will always see Colin. Be it in the rays of the winter sun hitting Cramond or the full moon (Evie’s rules) and nothing will ever change that.

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