11 Months In, Almost

So I had a big fat positive head on last time I spoke here. A shingles recurrence and the girls getting simultaneous pox burst that bubble for a good 24 hours. It is rubbish that I have to rely on my mum to help me through as Colin would have almost relished their sickness. When else does a two year old stay still long enough to cuddle? My mum enjoyed a whole day of Evie on the sofa just needing love. He’d have loved that. Since the minute she was born he asked me how long it would be until the two of them could spend an afternoon whiling the hours just watching TV, snuggling. His plan was more to watch tennis or cricket and he perhaps wouldn’t have relished the reality of back to back Peppa Pig episodes but I have no doubt he would have embraced it. Sometimes those things really get you. He won’t have those moments and neither will Evie or Isla but despite 2013 starting with a rubbish number of setbacks I am still thinking, Colin, we’ve done these months without you and we will do the rest too. We miss you but we get it. It’s not about what we can’t have we have to enjoy what we did and keep telling the girls how you would have loved those little moments. I’ve said to Evie how upset he would be to see those spots all over her and she said to me tonight she misses Daddy. But also today we went to Cramond where she could scooter without infecting her plague on other kids and as we rounded into the harbour there was a bright sunshine over the water. She proudly told me that Daddy did that for her. I am so proud that almost a year on a little girl that was only 22 months old when her Daddy died can come up with that little moment to help her.
We are coming up to the year anniversary of his death and I still feel Colin with us everyday. But I am also thinking forward. Many may not have agreed with some of the things I have done. I am sure there have been discussions about some of the choices I have made and there will be people who disagree with the things I do down the line. But until someone has gone through this and survived at least (nearly) 12 months then I don’t think they have the right. I am strong. My girls are too. We will flounder no doubt but never judge us. We will always see Colin. Be it in the rays of the winter sun hitting Cramond or the full moon (Evie’s rules) and nothing will ever change that.

Yes

I woke this morning with this song in my head. Yes. It’s an old favourite but in the last week it keeps coming into my internal dukebox. So then Evie and I danced three times to it pre nursery. And it felt good. Then I found her shoe in the gutter (it had been there since the night before) and I locked myself out of the house. Both of those things a couple of weeks ago would have floored me but today I just thought ‘bring it on’. Yes, I might feel better this week. I might not next. But all in all I can’t keep looking backwards. I have to dust myself off and think about keeping on keeping on.  And so I have played this song again and again today. Its sentiments are not quite right but they capture the spirit of me. Yes, I do feel better, shingles and all.

New Beginnings

The new year started with a bump. Or quite a few if you take into account that it began with a bout of the shingles. But I have made a decision to embrace a new future. That started with moving my wedding rings off my wedding finger, partly because it was itchy but partly because I am married to a memory. Colin has gone and I have to forge ahead whatever that means. I need to create a new future for myself and the girls. So I have to make my way forward. Like so many at this time of year that means a spring clean and sort, which is underway, but it also means for me working out what I am going to do. So I need to stop talking about setting up shop here in Edinburgh and create my workspace and start seriously earning a living again.
Watch this space.