Future Memories

Today Evie scootered her little heart out on one of her most prized Christmas presents. I was so proud as she tootled off into the distance. What makes me sad though is that moments like those are sometimes the ones I miss Col most. He would have been so enthusiastic and overjoyed yet absolutely fearful for her head, her limbs and her beautiful little face. I miss him most when the girls do something that is probably run of the mill to the rest of the world but to two loving parents it marks an amazing achievement. There is something quite indulgent between two parents when their baby a. finds its hands b. says a word c. claps d. scooters her little heart out that others can smile and nod and indulge you a little but there is nothing quite like sharing that moment in time with the person you made that little person with. I can only think I will keep having these moments for the rest of my life with Evie and Isla. There will be school nativities, school reports, exam results, weddings and so on and I will always feel that I don’t have that person to nod and smile with quietly knowing that we two brought that person up and helped make them who they are. That is something that breaks my heart again, again and again. Oh and again once more.
I used to say to Colin I had a whole host of ‘future memories’ that would make our life – Evie in her nightie on holiday sitting on our knees on the veranda of the villa we got engaged at, knowing she should be in bed but laughing at mummy and daddy arguing over scrabble (it was a holiday tradition), Evie and Isla playing together on the beach as the sun went down or the four of us cycling for bread on a French break (ridiculous I know but we did always think we would have those idyllic holidays in the French countryside because that was one of his most memorable childhood trips…to some sort of piggery in the middle of nowhere). Now I know I will have those future memories (perhaps not the pig farm bit but the school things and hopefully the rest too) but they will be mine alone and not his and that makes me weep as I am now.

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