A Widow’s Scorn

I am angry. The doctors in the first weeks after D-day did say this was stage two of grief. Right there between disbelief and acceptance. Damn it I thought I had got to acceptance but no it seems this month I am mostly angry. I am angry at wasting my life at Yodel and Royal Mail depots searching for the bike parcel that Santa is meant to be delivering on his sleigh come December 24th only to find that it had been delivered while I was at Yodel’s delivery office (why did they not receive the pick up booking I did through the very frustating automated telephone service????); I am angry at the fact that I thought I had put a wash on in the machine while I wasted my life at Yodel and Royal Mail delivery offices but hadn’t pressed the button for go, I am angry that the radio keeps playing Mud Lonely This Christmas because I am; I am angry that my Christmas cards say only three names; I am angry that Colin died and wonder permanently if he could have prevented it by not being obsessed that my having a baby (and eating a lot of communal chocolate chez Campbell) had had an effect on his waistline and so needed to play tennis that day to get it back; I am angry that I am having to sort out a mouse infestation at the house that was our home in London; I am angry that someone has been super insensitive and I am angry that that person has not had the balls to turn around and apologise. I am almost as angry as Evie was with me at 4.30am this morning where she beat me into submission and I allowed her the ipad to watch Charlie and Lola on repeat until 6am just so Icould get some sleep. I think I could say this succinctly. I am angry that life has taken this turn when this time last year my body was gearing up to give birth and my husband couldn’t have been happier and now he is not here and I am on my own feeling quite rubbish about the whole thing. Scorn, anger, the most lividness that you can imagine, rage…complete and utter fury – all of the above Just Don’t Cover It. But don’t worry if you run into me I will of course be doing my usual ‘face to public’ routine and you will get a smile and a laugh. Just don’t piss me off though because who knows what might occur?

2 Replies to “A Widow’s Scorn”

  1. Yep, i’m with you on the anger thing. And the writing three names on cards when last year you wrote four. Just. Not. Fair. Big hugs to you xxx

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