My Child Possessed

Last night I woke at midnight with a bloodcurdling scream from Evie’s room. At high speed I ran through and she was hysterical. I didn’t know if she was fully awake or not but when I tried to comfort her she screeched at me, “Get away mummy. Get away.”, before launching herself out of the cot into my arms. But a millisecond later she was off on all fours screaming again: “Get away. Leave me alone.” I followed her silently and watched as this animalistic beast launched itself through doorways and into walls and through to my bedroom. She found a resting place between my bed and my bedside table ( a very small space indeed) and started throwing things off it. When she grabbed my photoframe of Col and I stepped in. You see I have had this a couple of times during the day in the last couple of weeks but never at night. And there is no point in even touching her, going close or trying to grab her and cuddle her in until she calms down. I have to let whatever is going through her brain run its course. But when she grabbed that photo I moved forward saying: ” Darling, please give that back to mummy. It’s precious and you’ll ruin it.” My wee upset bundle of beast went quiet and then like a child possessed once more started screaming, “I want to ruin it. I want to ruin it.” It was horrific. There was my two-year-old consumed by anger wanting to throw my precious photo of her Daddy and I around the room to’ruin it’. I have no idea what it must be like for her but there is something going on in that little head that needs exploring. Anyway, it got worse. I managed to wrangle the photo from her as she started squawking that she wanted to bite me. And wailing that I should leave her alone. So I did. Calmly saying I was getting into my bed and when she was ready for a cuddle then she could join me. This was a ridiculous suggestion of course (????) or so I learnt as an Evie-shaped missile launched itself at my head. I don’t know how she managed it but mid-launch she must have grabbed my iphone from under my pillow and her hand held it as it connected with my cheekbone at high velocity. Agony. I know she didn’t actually mean that but my squeals of pain finally brought her to out of this weird possessed state and she clawed her way into a cuddle. It was most bizarre. But it does make me want to say to people who witness, or who I tell of Evie going through, her recent spate of tantrums, those that helpfully tell me, ‘Oh I don’t know what to suggest my child never went through a tantrum phase”: “Oh and did they go through how to cope with a dead father at two phase?’. I am angry for her that she doesn’t have her father to see her grow up so how must she feel when she isn’t trying to be positive for her sad mother?
Tonight she was more settled even before bed. We’d obviously had conversations through the day about why she had been so upset but as far as I can tell she doesn’t really remember it. But my theory tonight was to engulf her with reassurance and love. One of her Christmas books has the Christmas story and when it came to the star that led the shepherds and the wise men to wee baby Jesus she pointed at the star and told me that it was like the one that sat above her and Isla in the sky that had Daddy in it. Goodness knows what I will do with her wee head going forward but bless her she went to sleep singing a mumbo jumbo version of Silent Night. I so hope it will be and so does my puffy cheek.

2 Replies to “My Child Possessed”

  1. Night terrors? I’ve heard of them, witnessed one with my niece..Poor you.Very distressing. If you’re up for advice and a listening ear, are you in touch with Winstons Wish… very helpful organisation for bereaved kids. Used them myself – really ace.

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