When I started writing this blog it really was me outpouring ‘stuff’ into a digital blackhole. I had no idea it would have such a response. Thank you to all of you who have made comments, here and on Facebook, sent lovely emails and also told me in person that you are enjoying (for want of a better word) reading it. Yes, it is a weird form of therapy to tell total strangers as well as friends and family your innermost feelings but it really is helping me. Thank you thank you thank you.
I don’t think it was an accident that I waited until the six month mark to begin this. The six month milestone is tough. Most people have seen you. They have noted that you are OKish and you kind of are. And I personally have kept much of my weeping behind closed doors so it is hard for people to tell just where you are in the grieving process. The love, attention and understanding they have for you is all still there but it is muted. People have lives to lead. It’s only you that is left wandering in the aftermath like a bomb has gone off. Everyone else’s reality is still in tact. Obviously, you couldn’t have continued to live in that strange bubble where everyone rallied into your home and you had everyman and his dog coming around to see you or indeed live with you for periods of time. It was good. Protective. But not right for any longer than weeks. But the other extreme starts at six months. You feel a bit forgotten. The phone calls, emails and texts have waned. The evenings are long and lonesome. Suddenly after years of shopping for a two, then a three and a four you are buying TV dinners for one or you are eating toddler scraps and not bothering with dinner at all. You also wish back all those times you had battles over the remote or who got the lion’s share of the sofa. You have all the control and the whole of the sofa and it feels terrible.
One widow friend told me that after the death of her husband her social life had never been better. With two small children I can’t really party myself out. Though I have had some fabulous nights out and in with fabulous friends over the last few months. But overall socialising opps are a bit sparse. It doesn’t help that people that are meaning to be kind don’t invite you along to events or gatherings to save your feelings. That’s rubbish. You are a grown up and can pretty much determine for yourself what can and can’t be endured.
Sorry. Oops. Rant over. Back to the point of the post. Thank you all for telling me to keep going. I am having so many happy, funny memories come to mind that now formulate themselves in Blog Post form in my head. So yes there will be sad, angry rants (like the one above) but there will also be much funny Colin-ness to remind you all (or inform those that didn’t know him) just what a wonderful man we have all lost.